Edgar the Male Blanket Octopus Is Disconsolate

You can't really do anything to console the male blanket octopus (let's call him Edgar). He's at the wrong end of some pretty extreme sexual dimorphism that has resulted in him being 100-200 times smaller than the female blanket octopus (let's call her Goneril). Try telling Edgar that he's got a third arm and that this third arm is used specifically for holding his sperm and see if that cheers him up. Yeah right. What good is a tiny armful of spunk when your missus is two metres long and built like a four-man tent? And it's no good suggesting the things that normally cheer you and me up - a light-hearted French film, Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a violent game of badminton. Come off it, he's an octopus. He'll hate that sort of thing. And anyway, I don't know what he's got to complain about: he might be tiny but he ought to consider the benefits of his girlfriend literally being a giant comfort blanket. Get over it, Edgar.