Like a Fucking Pirate

Always writing letters, she was. Used to be a real looker, a stunner, but lost her eye in a game of badminton. Walked around with a black eye patch after that. Looked like a fucking pirate. Some guys go for that sort of thing, I know, but it made me feel less close to her. And I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say she developed a one-eyed view of the world. Like that time she wrote me that letter, the one that began, 'My Dearest Tom, do you remember that time in summer, the really hot summer we had, when we were rowing...' and she had no idea that 'rowing' could have meant either propelling a boat or having an argument, and how was I to know which one she meant, I couldn't even finish reading the letter I was so angry. Stupid bitch, how can she be so one-eyed?